I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you never un-have a 4some
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
