TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
