i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
