I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
