Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
