Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You ruined the universe
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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