So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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