Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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