i will never coherently bang her
Princesses don't give blow jobs
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
