Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
