the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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