my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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