If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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