sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
