Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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