Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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