i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Randomize
