Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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