I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
