I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
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Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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