At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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