I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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