Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
