her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
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THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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