i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
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I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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