But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID