I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Still dying that you shit outside
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default