i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
