sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
