I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
