life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize