woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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