Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just forgot I was standing up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
