If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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