Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
