Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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