fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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