i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So much rum. So many feels.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
