He uses pillows to masturbate.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
