Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
