The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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