my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
