We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
