i barfeds in our rink
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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