The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
