If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
