i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
