I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
