haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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