sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
