My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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