you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
