if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
