im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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