Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
