how can u be prego again
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
