I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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