John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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