I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
